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Throwback Thursdays – The Friend Zone

Originally written 03.1.2010

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as annoying as someone stepping on ur Js and as timeless as road head. It is the middle ground between acquaintance and lover, between hope and reality, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his stubbornness. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Friend Zone.

This is for my fellas.

Unfortunately, I can’t give the ladies advice on how not to land in the friend zone because I’ve never been there. Don’t consider me cocky or even lucky for that either, ‘cuz I’ll take the “friend zone” over the “battle zones,” I’ve been in any daytrust. Besides, I don’t know too many females personally who’ve been in that position anyway. Not to say they don’t exist, but unless there’s excruciating circumstances, like my boy James once said: “Guys and girls are only friends because the girl keeps it that way.”

And honestly, male or a female, I don’t really think there’s any way to avoid the friend zone – because if the feelings aren’t mutual u can’t force them to be. U shouldn’t have to, nor should u want to. Feelings just won’t magically appear out of thin air if u hang around long enough either, and I believe that’s where the real issue lies. It’s good and detrimental to have hope but it’s even healthier to face reality. So while I can’t tell u how to avoid the friend zone, I can give u reality. So …

  1. If u invite the chick out and she invites other people along or tells u to invite others, I’m sorry but more than likely u are in the friend zone. In the beginning, it’s always nice to go out in groups to avoid potential awkwardness but after a few of those, if I really like the dude I really could care less if Tammy and Tom like the Exploratorium too. I don’t want to kiss Tammy or Tom. I want to kiss u. And that is not happening if Tammy and Tom are sitting next to us inside the planetarium.

  2. Now if u do get the chick out alone, that’s good, but still no cigar. It may just truly mean she enjoys ur company. I wouldn’t have guy friends if I didn’t enjoy their company. BUT that is the extent of it. So don’t get ur hopes up too high now. Especially if it’s only 7:23pm on a Friday night and the chick says she’s tired and has errands to finish. Errands? On a Friday night? U couldn’t pay me to run errands on a Friday night. I’ve called in sick to work before without being asked just to spend time with a dude I really liked.

  3. If she tries to hook u up with one of her friends or asks about one of ur boys, u are in the friend zone! I’m trying to think if I’ve ever suggested either in the past as a “test” to see what the dude I liked would say, but that’s a negative. ‘Cuz y the fuck would I want that? LOL. I’m selfish. If u ask about one of my girls, I won’t cock block. But I would never just put it out there … unless of course I wasn’t feelin u lol.

  4. If she talks to u about her guy problems, more than likely she doesn’t want u to come to the rescue … more than likely u are in the friend zone! That’s not to say showing her some compassion won’t make her realize that there are good guys out there, and u may be the good guy for her. BUT if I’m into you, I’m not gonna be talking to u about the last guy I was with or other guys I’m currently getting to know. I’m going to talk to u about YOU. “Ask u what ur interest are, who u be with. Things that make u smile, what numbers to dial.” ‘Cuz nothing screams “unstable with baggage,” like talking about ur ex to the new dude and I don’t want u to run away, I want u to make me believe me and my ex broke up so that we could meet.

  5. If yall been hanging out for months, what more years, and still nothing has popped off, U ARE IN THE FRIEND ZONE! She is not being modest. Or taking things slow. She just isn’t attracted u in that way. And don’t fall for that “special friend,” title either, ‘cuz unless u tappin, there ain’t nothing “special,” about it. Girls want to kiss and touch and fuck just as much as men, so even if we may be too pussy to make the first move, we will def let u know we want u to make it instead.

  6. And lastly, if she flat out says: I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. Or any derivative of that, i.e. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Sounds obvious, but u would be surprised. So please, save urself some face and time and money and believe her when she says, “I only see u as a friend/You’re like my best friend!/Ew have sex with u that’s gross, ur like my brother!” None of that means, “I want to be your girlfriend.”

So if ur reading this right now with that, “Fucking shit,” look on ur face ‘cuz one or all the above has already happened – I’M SORRY. They say “never say never,” so I’ll never say u don’t stand a fighting chance. But, u probably don’t have one right this very moment. The best way for her to realize what she has in front of her might even be for u to walk away. I know, people can be so fucking complicated sometimes.

For the most part, guys have a different stance on this. It’s either he likes u and he’s wifin u, he doesn’t like u but he’s fuckin u, or he ain’t talking to u at all. ‘Cuz like my homie Scott says if he ain’t feeling a chick, “U want to kick it? WTF for?” LMAO.

It’s funny, because friends are awesome. Having them, and being one. Until the person u want to be more than friends with … well, just wants to be friends. But trust me, there’s far worse things u can be. Like the guy who hung around for the wrong reasons for months, refusing to see all the red flags only to one day call female up to “hang out,” and hear her say, “Aw maybe tomorrow, I’m watching a movie with my new boyfriend tonight.”


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