Today’s post isn’t one on sex like I normally write on Wednesdays, but I like to use hump day as an excuse to talk about useless, outlandish shit. Useless, outlandish shit like apps that either encourage you or remind you to stop being a ho.
The other day I received this gem from @BKAphrodite below.
Shout out to B. Goddess for your continuous support 🙂
I’m sure she meant a type of app that alerts you when there’s a new post or something along the lines of that, but of course the stereotypical, sexist pervert in me couldn’t help but laugh thinking of the over-the-top apps that could be associated being GATNB. Below is a list of some of them:
The Oh Shit, I’m About to Get it In App: For those nights where opportunity knocks and you forget to pack your whorekit. Upon installing, you simply enter your gender and sexual orientation and it will direct you to the nearest location that sells condoms, towels, wine, and whatever you’re little whoret desires.
The Fuck, I’m a Ho App: This app has a variety of features for the modern day ho including: a reminder to take your birth control, an STD scanner that allows you to take a pic of any “suspicious” bumps and matches it to a database of possible diagnosis, and a virtual stamp card – nine herpes tests and the 10th one is free, holla!
The Interference App: I mean who hasn’t told one of their friends to call them at a certain time during dinner to run interference on a date they wanted cut short? Anybody? No? Yeah uhh … me neither. At any rate, now you don’t need to! Simply set a time for your phone to go off, and it will ring. It even includes a pre-recorded message so it sounds like you’re actually talking to someone, and blocks incoming calls momentarily so that your phone doesn’t ring when you’re already supposed to be using it.
The It’s Not Stalking, It’s Being Cautious App: On the internuts, all you need is a name. Swear. Give me a name, and more than likely I can give you two of the following: occupation, relationship status, location, previous school attended. Hey, I’m not breaking any laws or into any houses or anything, don’t look at me like that! This would be the Kayak app of getting to know someone before actually getting to know someone. OK, so maybe it’s slightweight stalking.
The It’s After 11pm and I’m About to Make Some Bad Decisions App: I’ve seen a few of these online but they’re not full proof nor foolproof. One blocks you from calling a certain name in your contact list for a certain period of time, but what happens if you remember the number of this jerk or whorebag you’re not supposed to be calling? My app would cover that. Even worse, you’d get charge if you called. And if the son of a bitch calls you, a ringtone of you crying hysterically the last time he hurt you would go off. Can I just say that me and my friends alone would make me rich off this one lol.
I could go on and on but then I’d have to start patenting shit. Folks, what kind of app would you like to be made?