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  • dearabi

Rent-A-Man

Earlier this morning I was talking to my homie and said, “I am so happy being single right now.” I then heard a slight crack. And then another one. It suddenly got cold, and then I saw hell freeze over. Crazy right? And it’s not even because I got a bunch of dudes on the payroll, I actually have NONE. I’m just … I dunno … OK with things? I’m a relationship kinda girl but right now I’m pretty content with the ones I have with my friends and myself. This of course isn’t to say that I don’t get lonely. Of course. But right now I’ve been finding that my “wants” for a man are completely different than what they were before. Right now, I just want one to do all the shit I don’t want to do lol. Below are a list of things I’m perfectly capable of doing myself but rather not, and instances where a rental boyfriend would come in handy.


When you’re sick: As an “adult” you are only allotted about five days out of the year to act like a complete BRAT, and being sick is one of them. As mentioned in this post, when I’m not feeling well the best antidote to chicken soup is my boo-thang feeding it to me … as well as fluffing my pillows … and buying me juice … and picking up a few Redbox DVDs … and making sure the cold towel on my forehead stays cold by replenishing it every 30 minutes. Hey, I’d do the same for him … or maybe I’d just give him the best “Get well soon” head of his life.

When you’re late for work or need a ride home: All the recent BART protests have made the journey home from work unbearable lately. Sometimes I walk out of my building and pretend my imaginary boyfriend that looks like Lance Moore is outside in his Camaro waiting for me only to find a crackhead pissing on the sidewalk instead *sigh*. Whether it’s before or after work, it’s always nice to start or end a long day with a kiss from your significant other. A car ride is also way more convenient than being stuck on a dirty MUNI train next to a guy cutting his nails.

To get us a second (and if you’re me third and fourth) helping at the buffet: The other weekend I had the pleasure of having brunch with Dex, Pat, and her man-friend David. We ate at an all you can eat buffet called Ironside Cafe by the ballpark. When it came to getting our second plates, Pat stayed put and placed an order with David instead. Obviously it wasn’t anything for her to get up and fetch herself a plate, but it was nothing for him to do it as well. It’s such a minuscule thing, but next to children (respect your elders!) boyfriends are just as easy to boss around.

When something is broken or needs to be assembled: Don’t get it twisted. I am no damsel in distress. I’ve put together my fair share of entertainment systems and know how to change a tire. But do I want to? Not really. Would I do it myself if someone willingly offered? Do you want to get slapped? It’s not that women are physically incapable of putting together shit and fixing things. Some of us just have no patience, don’t want to hurt ourselves, or are just plain fucking lazy! But we’re not so lazy that we wouldn’t bring you out an ice cold beer while you’re working on the car.

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