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  • dearabi


A lot of people joke about the health benefits of sex. All over the internet, you can find “facts” about how semen improves your skin, and the amount of calories you burn just by kissing. Whether or not this is true, you can’t deny that sex is a fucking work out. Unless you’re boring and just starfish all night, one can break more of a sweat from sexing than on the treadmill speed 4, incline 15. I remember one time me and my dude were fucking for so long, we actually had Gatorade on the end table and took a popsicle break. True story.


Sex can be work, and if you’ve ever woken up in the morning bow-legged with a sore vagina, then you can attest to it. Below, are just a few horizontal (or not) workouts you can do in bed (or not) that can be comparable to a solid day at the gym.

Stretching. No workout is complete without stretching. Not only does it warm you up, but it provides maximum flexibility for when a motherfucker pins your knees behind your ears and makes you feel it in your kidney. It’s important to be agile, so that those more “advanced” positions aren’t as strenuous on your body. Having sore inner thighs is a good sign you got fucked real good the night before, but you don’t want to wake up the next morning feeling like got gang banged by the entire defensive line of the Buffalo Bills. Or I dunno, maybe you do. And btw, being flexible opens up so many more doors in the bedroom.  I mean, HELLO.


Thighs. Hate squats? Hate lunges? Hate the stair machine? Hate deadlifts? Then you must hate reverse cowgirl. Ladies, do yourselves a favor and get off that ass to work on that ass! Not only will the aforementioned exercises turn that butt into an ass, but it will strengthen your lower body for when you’re riding your man into the sunset. I’ve found that one of the reasons I don’t like being on top (other than the fact that I feel so self-conscious and vulnerable) is because it requires more effort for the woman, and God forbid we contribute during sex! The men I’ve fucked prefer the “jackhammer” motion when I’m on top, and my thighs get tired easily.


Arms. My favorite part of a man’s body usually gets put to work when they’re on top and holding themselves up while fucking, so as to not smother you. But if you’re tiny like me, he’s going to want to fuck you standing up as well. Thus, you’ll have to use your arms as well. You’ll need to hold on for dear life, otherwise, you risk falling over backwards and spraining your back. Or even worse – jamming his dick. Noooo, don’t hurt the D! 


Oral Sex. Although I’m sure your tongue hurts after doing the entire alphabet down there, I really can’t speak for the men on this one. However, I know all about the casualties of giving head. Hmmm, I probably shouldn’t admit that. I’m not saying I give great head, I’m not even saying I give good head. But Goddammit I put in work and enjoy it. Shit, I probably shouldn’t admit that either. Anyway, if your man (like most men) doesn’t nut as easily from oral sex you’ll want to do a lot of jaw and mouth exercises prior, or at least get yourself used to having your mouth wide open for that long. Maybe even do a few “bumble bee” warmups to loosen up your throat muscles. I remember the first time I gave “Buzz” head. His girthyness was comparable to eating an entire hamburger in one bite – not a White Castle either. It was a challenge I gladly accepted and conquered, but made me realize, damn I’m out of shape.

It’s gonna have to be wider than that girl.

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