No Porno.

I intended on blogging about my Top 3 favorite porn stars today until I realized that I only have 1.5. Yeah long story, but upon struggling for the remaining 1.5 I came across two revelations: 1) Good God I watch too much porn and 2) there are a few things in porn that I just cannot tolerate. So seeing as I had better luck listing this topic, I will proceed to write about it instead, starting with …

1) Gagging noises during head. I get how men can find it hot considering it either means the chick has bad gag reflexes, or most likely that your dick is above average. But as someone that likes to give head? Even I wanna yack while listening to it. All the gargling noises just remind me of when I’m brushing my teeth and accidentally swallow some toothpaste and wanna lightweight throw up. I wouldn’t want someone to yack on my vagina so why would you want someone to throw-up on your dick?

2) Anal sex. I know, I know. Don’t knock it ’til you try it. And I’ve heard wonderful things from those who have tried it and loved it (fucking freaks lol jk!). I have yet to let someone enter where it’s an exit only, and after watching this one Asa Akira flick the other night, it may be a looooong while before I do. It’s one thing to get it from the back door, but another thing when the back door looks like the fucking garage afterwards! akljdsfkljsdlf. By the end of the scene Asa literally had an ass HOLE. It was gaping. I could stick a golf ball in that bitch, and I’m sure it wouldn’t have been the first time. Granted the circumference of the dudes dick was Jupiter but STILL. It was just. All sorts of. WRONG. And I immediately x’d out the window after seeing it.

3) Too much dirty-talk. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan. Ninja sex is only fun when you can’t be loud due to thin walls, or someone else in the room … I mean, not that I’ve ever done that before. But too much of it KILLS it. It’s very rare you find a porno where all parties involved are actually good looking but I found one that was close enough. Johnny Sins and Eva … Eva something. I was all excited and shit and then the bitch started sounding like the Exorcist on some Twista flow. I literally laughed out loud. She wasn’t even talking to the dude no more, just blabbing out some shit. I think I heard her recite the emancipation proclamation somewhere in there.

I have a few runners up like high pitched voices, exchanging cum orally, and balls touching during double penetration but it’s a few hours after St. Patties and I’m wasted so I’ll leave it at this. If you’d like to add anything to the list feel free to do so as usual.

P.S. I really wanted to include an illustration with todays post but I just didn’t want to risk the possible viruses that would’ve came up had I googled “Double penetration,” or “gaping asshole”. SORRY.