So after 3 of my closest friends made feeble attempts, I decided to hop on the “cleanse” bandwagon. I already knew I had more chances of finding a unicorn in my backyard and riding that bitch to the Philippines than taking on the Master Cleanse so after seeing Rach do a fruit based cleanse, I figured, “I actually like fruit. This could work.”
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
I started yesterday and gave myself ’till 11:00am today to fold. And sure enough, just like clockwork at 10:59am I suddenly had a craving for kim chee beef fried rice, white tuna ceviche, guacamole and chips, sisig, and crab legs with garlic butter. Oh, and brown sugar with ginger swirl ice cream for dessert. At the very same time one of my bff’s gave up on his lemonade cleanse ‘cuz he started to get dizzy at work and couldn’t function properly, and I’m over here not surprised at all. Feeling dizzy and sluggish and all other sorts of horrible, is our body’s way of telling us, “Listen here dipshit. Stop being so goddamn lazy and hit the treadmill or substitute that Thousand Island with a vinegarette instead of drinking lemon juice, water, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup for 14 days u ass, WTF are u doing to me?”
I haven’t cheated yet. Matter fact, I’m still working on the ziplock bag of strawberries from breakfast. But as I stuff semi-sweet strawberries in my mouth imagining they taste like Boots ‘n Kimos banana pancakes with macadamia nut sauce I can’t help but roll my own eyes at myself.
I’m 5 feet tall, and average about 113 lbs and maintain a “normal” BMI. I know other women who are taller than me and weigh less, so by no means am I trying to say I’m fat. But while I know things could be worse, I am not happy with my muscle tone, especially on my tummy. Once again, I am not trying to lose weight. I simply want to lose the fat, and replace it with muscle. If I could gain weight in other places but keep my tummy flat and waist small I would. But we all know it don’t work out that way otherwise I’d be packin small C’s, and an ass that walks through the door 5 minutes after I do.
The point I’m trying to get at is; I don’t need this cleanse shit. And in my opinion, every single person I know that’s tried it didn’t need it either. I’ve been blessed with good genes and a freakishly fast metabolism so although it’s not as good as it used to be all I really need to do is run the lake maybe 3 days a week to counter my Hungry Man appetite, orrr simply eat smaller portions to counter my allergic reaction to the gym. Simple as that. If I would just stfu with all my excuses and learn some discipline I wouldn’t be eating strawberries right now knowing damn well I’m bout to beast it on some chicken tiki masala type shit at lunch.
I think cleanses are a good way to flush out ur body and rid them of toxins, but I wouldn’t suggest it to those trying to lose weight. A mental cleanse is needed for those who genuinely aren’t happy with themselves and want to lose weight and live a healthier life. I give major props to those who actually do the cleanse, stick to it, and see results.
But as for myself, I rather substitute the cayenne pepper with discipline, and the lemon juice with motivation. My God that sounds corny huh? Well whatever, all I’m sayin is a cleanse is not for me. But my motivation? For my future kids (and their friends haha) to look at me the way I look at my mom: energetic, healthy, and full of life even 20 years from now. Being able to wear a bikini and still look hot in it at 48 is an extra plus! And if u still insist on doing a cleanse or some sort of diet, I suggest the apple vinegar cleanse, Fergie tested and cousin Steve approved.
Now please excuse me while I figure out what to do with all the damn fruit in my fridge.