Since moving to New York about a week ago the most popular question I’ve been asked is, “How is it?” So I tell them what I told the person before, and will tell the person after, “It’s like I’m on vacation”.
A gang of my friends flew up to NY just two days after me, and it’s been a party ever since. And when I dropped three of them off at the airport I was too exhausted to be sad. The last of them, my very best friend in the whole wide world left me just moments ago right after I awoke from a nap. I envisioned this day the moment I booked my flight no more than three months ago. We’re at the airport, and I’m crying. Today I merely walked her downstairs to her car service, gave her a hug, and said, “See you next month”. Then, I walked back into my new home for the next few months and attempted to prepare myself for a mental breakdown.
I sat down on the couch, and braced myself for a wave of emotion. Placed some tissue paper next to me and everything. At one point even forcing it out of me to no avail. And that’s exactly it. You can plan your life, but life doesn’t actually happen until you let it. I didn’t plan on quitting my job at the Chronicle when I did, nor did I plan on moving when I did. Something just snapped. My being went into auto-pilot, and then there I was in my boss’s office telling her I was applying for the buy-out. Something triggered. I had an out of body experience, and then there I was with a one-way ticket to New York in my hand having an anxiety attack.
I still haven’t cried. I mean, really cried. Like dramatic-snot-running-down-my-nose-ugly-face cried. And maybe I won’t ever. Maybe (here’s hoping) the hardest part, which was leaving is already over. I do know that when and if the time comes, it won’t be something extreme that opens the floodgates. More than likely, it will be something as simple as wanting to go over a friends house and do nothing.
So until then, I guess I’ll stop thinking and start doing. Stop missing, and start keeping in touch. Stop living in the past, stop living for the future, and just start living.