I swear the older I get, the younger I feel … except for when it’s Monday morning and I’m still drunk from the Friday before. September is steadily approaching and so is the beginning of the rest of my life. I don’t like making a spectacle out of my birthday, but obviously this year is different. Certain ages are significant in ones life. You get to legally buy cigarettes, drink, and rent a car. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately, and have come to the realization that I have some life altering decisions to make. You’d think by now I’d have all the answers, but more than anything I have even more questions. Like, is it ok to still wear Hello Kitty? Below is a list of conclusions I’ve come up with. What I find personally acceptable at my age.
OK: Sporting Hello Kitty. If you’re old enough to get your kitty waxed, you probably shouldn’t be wearing this kitty on your nails. However, Hello Kitty is one of those supa kawaii abominations that seem to get more popular as you get older. There’s no escaping that infamous red bow, and her dainty whiskers. I know so many grown ass woman that love Hello Kitty I don’t even feel bad for wanting these glasses (ahem birthday is next month). I probably won’t be wearing them to a job interview though. Hey, I said probably.
NOT OK: Wearing Hello Kitty glasses with your Hello Kitty t-shirt … and Hello Kitty headband … and Hello Kitty purse … and Hello Kitty watch … and Hello Kitty rainboots – ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Unless you’re five, this is not acceptable.
OK: Getting drunk, girl. So in case you haven’t noticed, I am a fan of the alcoholic beverage. I’m not an advocate, but it’s very rare I’ll turn down a drink. Of course I don’t need it to have a good time (I was twelve once) but like I read in an email before, why start a fire with steel and splint when there’s matches right in front of you? As long as you’re being responsible I ain’t even mad. NOT OK: Being “THE drunk girl.” How do you know if you were THE drunk person at the party? When you wake up and find mysterious cuts and bruises on your body. When you wake up to text messages regarding the night before and have no idea what they’re talking about. When you call your best friend to ask what happened and the first thing they say is, “Girrrrrrrrrrl.” When no one wants to invite you to any events where alcohol is being served. And when people don’t remember you by name, only as “The drunk girl.” While you’re allowed a maximum of three hot mess passes, just know that being a sloppy drunk didn’t look good when you were 21, so it sure as hell don’t look good now.
OK: Shopping at Forever 21. Real talk, long as I fit it I’m wearing it. SORRY. This should be a no brainer considering the name of the fucking brand is called Forever 21 but it’s a recession and it’s pretty much my go-to for a last minute night out. More than what you wear, it’s how you wear it. Me and my mom can wear the same exact top but two totally different ways so that it’s stylish yet flattering and age appropriate. NOT OK: Shopping at Forever 21 if you’re over 29 but dressing like your 19. Almost every family has that one uncle or aunt that tries too hard to be “cool” aunt/uncle. Remember Regina George’s mom in Mean Girls? I would never let my mom be her, so I definitely don’t want to be her either. You never want to walk into the party in a dress and have someone snicker, “Who brought their mom to the club?” So if you show up in the same dress as a 21 year-old, you better look as good if not better in it than her.
OK: Putting someone on blast. Sometimes people just need to get told. If your husband cheated on you with one of your bridesmaids, you have every right to call them both on it. It just might not be the best idea to do so by carving it into the hood of his brand new 2012 Mercedes C350. No, I take it back go right ahead.
NOT OK: Putting someone on blast all over Facebook. I’d be a hypocrite if I said I never did this before. I remember the days of getting lied to, thinking of some angry but clever status update to post, then getting back with him a few days later just for the same exact shit to happen again the next month. Except I was 22 and it was on Friendster. I get it. And it’s a public forum. If I don’t like what I see, I don’t have to look at it but I’m just trying to help you out and YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT.
OK: Getting a tattoo. Hey, Angelina Jolie still does it so why can’t we? Oh, that’s right because she’s a fucking millionaire and they can pretty much get away with anything. If you’re not a fan of tattoos in general this isn’t for you. I love body art but a bad tattoo is a bad tattoo at any age. The only difference is you get a pass when you’re younger. I’m actually getting my mom a tattoo for her 50th bday gift, but I let her know that I would disown her if she went through with the “MILF” in Old E on her lower back. NOT OK: Getting a Playboy bunny, marijuana leaf, or paw print tattoo. Especially, if they’re anywhere by your tets. I never liked Eve’s paw print tats, mainly because I didn’t think she had a big enough rack to pull it off. BUT she was young when she got them and the first lady of Ruff Ryder so she’s excused. It’s more fitting on a “pitbull in a skirt,” than on a soccer mom in a mini-van.
OK: Immature thoughts. One thing I’ve learned is that age does not make you exempt from being HUMAN. Whether you’re 13, 22, or 35 – if someone hurts you … you HURT. If someone makes you happy, you smile. You’re turning a year older, not turning into a Superhero. You get your heartbroken and want to drown yourself int he bottom of a Long Island so that you can show up at your ex’s house and curse the shit outta him … but you don’t. Maybe you’ll drink. And maybe you’ll cry. But you’ll go to your girls house, wake up in the morning, and know that you survived one night so there’s no reason you can’t survive another. NOT OK: Immature actions. Some drunk bitch steps on your two-hour old manicured toes at the club without saying sorry and damn near elbows your bff on the way to the dancefloor. Of course your first instinct is to tie your hair back, take off your earrings, and grab a bitch by her clip on pony tail and fuck her up. But think about it, trick is wearing a clip on pony tail and probably doesn’t have that much to lose. It’s not worth it. Trust me. It usually never is. And you are TOO OLD AND GOT TOO MUCH GOING ON FOR YOURSELF to lose it all over a female that can’t handle her liquor.
Lastly, my number one rule is, when it comes to certain things: THERE ARE NO RULES. On a more shallow note, it’s ok to “act” or “dress” like your 21 if you can still pass for 23. Nevertheless, do what makes you happy. Do what makes you feel alive. Do what makes you feel like a little kid again. As long as you’re doing it all for the right reasons.
