I feel dumb.
Why even bother?
What would I have to contribute?
I haven't accomplished anything worthy of sharing.
I was telling my therapist all the reasons why I couldn't - no, wouldn't do something. The tears began to well up in my eyes and she caught me wiping away my tears despite the bad lighting. It was in that moment that I recognized the small part of me that still didn't think I was good enough. I felt a combination of disappointment, pity and sadness. For a decade I did the work, and in the first 23 minutes of my session I was back handed with more work to do.
How could this be? I stopped being mean to myself. I stopped saying all the nasty things I would never even think about saying to someone I love. But I worked so hard?! To practice gratitude, and radical acceptance, and grounding exercises. ALL THE THINGS.
Then, I realized that not being mean to yourself isn't the same thing as being kind to yourself. I felt like I'd been bamboozled by the woman in the mirror. Still, this woman is different than the one 10 years ago. This woman is now working on being kind to herself. The emotional and mental equivalent of back massages and tulips by the dozen. First thing on the list? Telling myself that ...
I feel uncomfortable.
I bother, because I too, care.
I have plenty to contribute.
All of my accomplishments, no matter how big or small are worthy of sharing.