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Eat My Vagina Ho!

Last year I did a post on having penis envy and that concept was somewhat revisited yesterday during a conversation I had with my bakla D (and no he’s not gay, just my pet name for him since he calls me bruha). We were on the subject of the difference between the way guys and girls talk shit to each other in times of friendly competition. And from there, I unleashed the holy wrath of, “Maaaaan it’s not fair that guys get to do/say this and we can’t!” I know, I know, petty shit, but funny shit as well. So if you’re in the mood for a useless but entertaining rant of the things men do that women just can’t get away with even if we tried, then read on ..

  1. Pulling the “mom” card: I noticed, especially when dudes play video games, that they just looooove their friends mothers. You can tell in the way they charismatically say, “Alright tell Mrs. [insert boys last name here] to keep my dinner warm, I’ll be home late.” Now, as I’m kickin your ass in let’s say … Madden, I can’t be all, “Whatever, that’s not what your daddy said last night.” ‘Cuz well. That’s just gross. Your dads old. And he’s like, married to your mother. And most likely hairy, and wrinkly, and not my type at all. I don’t even want to pretend that I’m going to see him in bed later klsjdfklsjdlkfsdf. Heeby jeebies just thinking about it. (This however does not apply if your father is Brad Pitt.)

  2. The reverse “no homo”: Another popular weapon of choice for men is to refer to their privates during competition. Ah yes, the delicate art of the “Suck my dick bitch,” after dunking in their opponents face. I believe it makes their dick bigger if they say it. But could you just imagine me and my girls playing shirts vs. skins (haaah) and after a good play one of us saying to the other team, “EAT MY VAGINA HO!” Um no. Why would I say that? Why would I want you to do that? And if I’m playing against a dude, shit, he MIGHT JUST DO IT. So I pass. Our shit talks would sound like this, “Yah that’s why you got ugly shoes trick.” Totally doesn’t have the same pizzazz. Womp womp.

  3. Indecent Exposure: Speaking of shirts vs. skins, I’ve stared in envy at men who get hot and walk around without their shirts. Fuck, I just came back from the Philippines! But asides from that, yall also get to scratch your balls, adjust them, and at times even take one out of the pee pee hole of your boxers to flash your friends (which I think is REALLY odd but whatever, I’d probably do it if I had a pair too). Ladies, I don’t know about you but every now and then my tits itch. And no, it unfortunately doesn’t mean it’s growing ‘cuz I am still a 9B. As in 9 year old Boy. When it does itch, and it’s not too inappropriate, I just stick my hand in my shirt and into my bra and scratch that sucker. But oh how I’d love to just walk into the kitchen with an itchy tit, and say, “Yo, what’s for breakfast?” as I proceed to take it out and scratch it thoroughly.

And since I’m being super petty today, I’m just gonna go ahead and throw in …

  1. The “chest-bump”: ‘Cuz it just looks so damn cool when executed properly. Have you tried attempting one of these as a woman? If I do it with a dude, I get knocked the fuck back to the future. If I do it with a chick, it’s clash of the titties. Or in my case, chest bones. Either way, that shit HURTS. *le sigh* I guess I’ll just have to find a female equivalent. Now if yall have anything else to add, feel free to do so!

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