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Deal or No Deal

A lot of times people ask me what my “type,” is. And when I say I don’t have one, they think I’m lying. So then they ask me what I look for in a dude (isn’t that the same question?), and then when I answer they think I’m picky. WTF man, I can’t win!

So instead of writing what I like, I’ll write about what I don’t like. And I’m not talkin about the obvious deal-breakers like married dudes, guys wih pending child molestation charges, or a history of domestic violence. I’m talkin about the “not-so obvious” things that may seem petty and shallow to u but make all the difference to me.

  1. If ur pants are tighter than mine. If there’s no room for me to stick my hand down ur pants to jack u off on the dancefloor one drunken night at the club, it’s ur fucking loss.

  2. If u smoke cigarettes. I’m sorry. This alone probably cuts more than 80% of my potential suitors lol. But seriously, have u tried kissing an ashtray with purpleish-black gums before? I’ve never even tried a cigarette, and I hate the way my hair smells after being in the car with a smoker so more than likely we’d get on each others nerves and it wouldn’t work out anyway.

  3. If ur not significantly taller than me when I’m wearing heels. I’m sorry, I know it’s shallow. And I’m well aware that big things come in small packages, I mean hello I’m only 5 ft. tall. But that’s just it. I’m a tiny lil’ thang and I wanna feel protected in a dark alley.

  4. If ur hands are smaller than mine. ‘Cuz I don’t wanna feel like I’m holding hands with my little brother in elementary school.

  5. If ur hands are softer than mine. ‘Cuz if I wanted to hold hands with a girl, I have plenty of hot girlfriends for that.

  6. If ur bi-sexual. I’m sorry. But even my gay friends agree. There is no such thing as a bi-sexual male.

  7. If ur prettier than me. I’m all for a dude who likes to take care of himself. More power to ya. And it’s no secret, that Secret is “strong enough for a man but made for a woman.” But if we’re fighting for mirror time and u have more hair/skin products in ur medicine cabinet than I do, it just ain’t happening.

  8. If u don’t like sports. Because. Well. WTF?! Ur a man! Ur supposed to like sports dammit. I LIKE SPORTS. If I’m sitting there watching the Super Bowl (when I’m not even fond of football) and I turn around and ur on the computer playing World of fucking Warcraft, I may break up with u on the spot.

  9. If u don’t like talking “dirty” in bed. OK, so I’m not hardcore into it and it ain’t gotta be like a snuff film up in that bitch. But I’d just feel for lack of better words … weird … if I said sumth’n nasty to my dude while having sex and u gave me silence in return. And I who wants to feel weird while ur getting it on?

  10. If I make u laugh more than u make me. Because in all honesty, humor >>> money, muscles, a tricked out ride, etc. etc. It can make an “ok” dude, look twice as appealing and even sexy. I hold the ability to make a woman laugh extremely high on my list. I feel the most beautiful when I’m making my own friends laugh. And I’m pretty fucking funny, so I need someone that can roll with the punchlines. So that I’m not laughing at him, but with him.

Anyone feel me on any of the above? What are some not so obvious deal breakers for you?

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