Eleven days ago I made the decision to be kind to myself. After much apprehension, I decided to take the corny, but positive route by writing motivational quotes on post-its as reminders ala Being Mary Jane. I bought green, yellow and blue post-its and even a pack of roller gel pens. I wrote some of my favorite quotes on individual post-its, placed them over my headboard, and hoped for the best.
The following morning I had a complete meltdown. I grabbed all five post-its, ripped them apart and threw them in the trash. I sat on the floor and cried into my knees. I felt ugly. Worthless. Stupid. Most of all, not enough. While all my friends were enjoying the beautiful San Francisco weather, I was in the back of my moms car on our way to Napa tearing myself apart. I was ashamed, my mom was pissed and my grandfather who I should’ve been spending quality time with was confused.
When I got home the next day, I went straight to my room, wrote on a new post-it, and stuck it on the now barren wall above my headboard. It read: I am enough. Then, I went to the Marina to watch Game 2 of the NLCS agains the Cardinals. We lost, but when I came home that night I wrote 5 things I was grateful for. To be completely honest, I felt like an idiot. I felt weak for feeling so helpless, and desperate that I had to turn to positive affirmations and post-its. But I had to convince myself that in actuality, I was being strong for trying control of my life. I had to tell myself that doing this wasn’t anymore stupid that me belittling myself everyday.
On the 7th day I texted two of my friends and let them know it had been a week since I last said something mean to myself. An entire fucking week. I sound silly don’t I? It’s just a week, but for someone that couldn’t go an hour without calling herself stupid, worthless, and not good enough, it felt like a month. I kept up with the ritual, and even looked in the mirror and told myself “I love you” every morning. I was on a roll. Until today.
I was having a text conversation with a friend of mine, and I slipped. I said something negative about myself. It wasn’t as bad as I used to be, but I still broke my rule. As soon I sent the text, I sighed knowing I would have to start all over again. I made breakfast, watched some TV and did the dishes. Then, I looked back up at the post-its I would have to take down in order to start over and thought to myself: Well, I guess I’ll just have to start over.
I’ll start over, and I’ll do better.
And that’s the difference between me 12 days ago, and me today. Starting over wasn’t an option for me 12 days ago, because I would’ve never even thought to start.