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Could’ve, Would’ve, Should’ve

What are you doing? New Years Eve is tomorrow, I bet you’re reflecting on 2011 and feeling either blessed, or vowing to make up for the shitty year in 2012. Maybe a little bit of both.

I’ve blogged about the holiday blues in the past. Then last year I fell in love, and had the best New Years ever. But the only thing worse than feeling depressed around the holidays is being happy, then having your happiness  taken away from you. It’s a tease, and almost a little like punishment. Most of all, it creates a lot of pressure for the following years to come. While I know I’ll have the time of my life tomorrow night, the anticipation of New Years Eve and all its expectations is making me anxious. By January 2nd, I’ll probably wish I could relive the night all over again, but as of right now I just want to get it over with.

For me, 2011 was a blessing and a curse. Two relationships I invested my heart and soul in blew up in my face, but I was compensated with three new ones – that as far as I’m concerned – will last forever. I also made what was probably the best mistake of my life.

I’d be lying if I said that I wouldn’t change a thing. I just thought of three things in the time it took me to write this sentence. I’m not even sure if it’s true that “Everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes SHIT. JUST. HAPPENS. But if I hadn’t had my heart broken around the same time two acquaintances of mine had theirs, we may have never turned into friends. Maybe the powers above took certain people out of my life to create room for new, more deserving people. Or maybe I’m just saying all of this to make myself feel better.

I’m supposed to say something positive that will make me feel grateful for this year, setbacks and all. But if you’ve been following my blog you’ll know I don’t exactly send out the welcome wagon for optimism. Would I have been happier with one good boyfriend in place of two great girl friends? I can’t say. I will never know how different this past year could’ve been, if the should’ve beens had actually been. But I do know that everything I went through this year, both amazing and devastating, would’ve been worse without the people I have in my life now.

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