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and also with YOU.

As some of you may or may not know, the affluential DJ and producer Avicii died on April 20th of this year. Inferences I made from news articles and captions made by his friends and fellow DJs, lead me to believe it was suicide. On May 1st, my suspicions were confirmed by a public medical report. 

Having obscene amounts of money is an easy excuse to dismiss depression, but depression, as we know is powerful. Like on some Thanos type shit. We see herewith Avicii that it trumps money and success. He had all the resources to get help, so either the pain was so unbearable the help didn’t work or he refused to utilize it.

I thought that once I was in a healthy relationship, my depression would go away. Instead, I learned that it never truly disappears.  For me, it’s like a little monster that has permanent residency in my head. It stays dormant when I’m taking care of myself, but is subject to metastasize given the proper environment.

Right now, my monster is small and sleeping. But every so often, I have a little slip and I can see the monster wake from its slumber and slowly open one eye just to see if its been summoned. 

Sometimes we think that if we just have “this”, “this”, and “this” all of our problems will disappear. I’m not going to lie, it helps. Sometimes a lot. But that final “this” you won’t be able to find anywhere else except for within you. That’s why I still find myself feeling sad and having anxiety despite having a great job and man that makes me feel worth the effort. And that’s why the world is without Avicii and Robin Williams and Heath Ledger and Faye. 

As an outsider, this is also hard to comprehend. I’ve been in a relationship where my boyfriend suffered from depression as well. I thought, “Why? I’m a good girlfriend. I treat you well. We have a great relationship”. However, his depression had nothing to do with ME, and that was hard for  me to understand. I thought that if I treated him good enough, he would be happy. There’d be no reason to be depressed. 

So I reiterate: Happiness starts with YOU. It ends with YOU. Outside factors may influence how you feel, but it’s all YOU. It’s always been you and it will always be you. 

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