Originally written 8.18.09. Funny how things change yet remain the same.
It’s been roughly 2 weeks since I’ve started sleeping back home.
In my own in-law. In my own bedroom. And in my own bed.
Usually at this time, I’d be a mess. Which I am, but in an entirely different sense.
It’s quiet except for the soft flutter of the heater as it goes on and off in 5 minute intervals. It’s pitch-black except or the light my laptop’s monitor gives out. And my hair is still wet from the unnecessarily long shower I took about an hour ago.
These are all things I’d normally overlook and not give a flying fuck about, but because I’m now alone, I pay attention to the most miniscule details and littlest of things and in a strange way – appreciate them. Because 5 years ago, shit, even 5 months ago, I did not know what “alone” was. Nor did I want to know. I was scared of it. I detested it. I did everything I possibly could to be on the opposite side of the spectrum away from it.
But then for the first time in my entire life I said to myself, “I think I’m better off alone.”
WOW. For real?
I guess I’m a mess because in the past, I only pretended to be ok with this. I tricked myself into agreeing with it, and forced myself to accept it. Which sometimes is just something u have to do. “Fake it ’till u make it,” right? But just know that everyone’s wounds heal at a different rate so until one genuinely believes they are ok with being alone – no matter how many parties they attend or lunch dates they have scheduled, the loneliness will always be there.
And I ain’t sayin to go lock urself in ur room and make friends with the 4 walls of ur closet. I’m not sayin disable ur Facebook, delete ur MySpace, and change ur number. No need to drop off the face of the Earth, change jobs, move to a different city, and isolate urself from the world. All I’m sayin is learn to be alone and not lonely.
U don’t even have to like it. But once u achieve it, trust me u’ll find a positive side to it. And once u find a positive side to it, u’ll love it. Because that means the worst part is over and u will then be affirmed that the “alone” part was only meant to be temporary. Cliches are a bitch but “Without the sour, the sweet just ain’t as sweet baby.” If u cannot appreciate being alone, u will never fully be able to unselfishly let another person be a part of ur life and be a part of theirs.
So finally, nearly 10 years after my first real relationship, I have finally accepted the inevitable. Because asides from all that spiritual self-empowerment mumbo-jumbo, the truf isss u just can’t have someone be there for u all the fucking time! Even the most awesome of friends and family will let go of ur hand, and that’s exactly what makes them awesome. ‘Cuz they know that nobody can help u, unless u help urself. It’s almost God’s fucked up way of testing us. And Lord knows I’ve failed this one many, many, many times. I’m like a 27-year-old super senior in h.s. at this point. But like my girl Rach always says, “Progress not perfection.”
It’s ok to have a lonely moment every now and then. We’re only human. I slip ALL THE TIME. Honestly, I did right before I wrote this blog lol. ‘Cuz come on, who doesn’t want to have someone fill that empty side of the bed? Just know that being alone is only as lonely as u make it. And right now I’m taking up the entire bed laying in mufuckin starfish position at night, making angels in the snow while I sleep, and enjoying my space.