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Ain’t No Future in Your Frontin.

What’s more irritating than when one of ur friends breaks up with their wo/man and won’t STFU about it? WHEN THEY FRONT ABOUT IT. Lord almighty can I get a witness?!

Depending on the nature of the breakup one of the following usually happens: 1) Ur friend wallows. Everything from pouring cereal in a bowl to brushing their teeth reminds them of their lost love. They don’t want to go out. They don’t want to eat. They don’t want to shower. OK maybe not the last part, but basically they don’t want to LIVE.

Orrr 2) Ur friend becomes bitter. If they’re female, they’ve memorized every line to “Waiting to Exhale,” and got that Kelis “Caught out There” full blast on repeat. She is currently conspiring on how to smash their ex-boyfriends headlights in without getting caught. And if they’re a dude, they’ve already gotten shitface at the bar wtih the boys and dropped a “Fuck that bitch, she didn’t know how to give head anyway!” He is currently booking a trip to Vegas for the annual Labor Day fuckfest and got a duffel bag full of Trojans ready to go.

Either way they are both talking shit about how much they hate their ex, how stupid they are, and how they’d rather lick the sweat off of a stationary bicycle right after a fat, sweaty person uses it than get back with them.

And even thoughI don’t recommend it, this type of behavior is totally fine. It’s perfectly normal for one to eat, drink and breathe a breakup right after it happens. I sure did. And even though it can be a bit much and may suffocate the life outta those around u at times, I believe every person is entitled to this mourning time no matter how overbearing it can be. Because I totally get it.

But what I cannot comprehend and refuse to tolerate, is when they talk shit … and then 30 seconds later step outta the room to answer their ex’s phone call. Like WTF?! Just who do u think u are fooling? Everybody knows the “significant other” voice and how even ones demeanor changes depending on who’s on the other line. We KNOW u ain’t talking to ur mother so just cease por favor! As ur friend, I will base our friendship on ur relationship with ME and not ur girlfriend or boyfriend, but don’t get mad at me when I call u out on ur (pls forgive me for quoting Diddy of all people) bitch-assness. ‘Cuz that’s what a real friend will do instead of blabbin ur biniss to people it don’t even concern to begin with.

If u don’t want to have to defend ur dysfunctional relationship with ur significant other, then stop talking shit to us about it. Vent about it fine, but to talk shit and then be quick to blast us for simply reiterating what u jsut said is … for lack of better words, retarded! Because most of the time we go by what YOU tell us. Not inferences we’ve made. So if u tell us he’s an asshole and he hasn’t proven it otherwise, we’re gonna think he’s an asshole.

I’m not an insensitive judgemental bitch, I swear. And I promise only one part of that statement is a lie lol. Sometimes a breakup can make u act totally opposite of the person u are, and make u do things u never in a million things thought u’d do. It’s all a part of being stupid in love. Been there, done that. But it’s one thing to be a dumb-ass in love and another thing to be a dumb-ass in love that’s in denial and lying about it. The former is definitely the norm and somewhat accepted.

So puh-lease ladies and gents. The next time we go to a party and u see ur ex-bf or ex-gf there, u ain’t gotta like to kick it. U might as well just say hi, ‘cuz we already know ur gonna wind up at their house for the afterparty.

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