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36 Minutes.

It amazes me that after five months of not thinking nor caring about someone, all it takes is 36 minutes to open the floodgates.

I saw you.

After two weeks of successfully avoiding you, I saw you. And all of that would’ve been fine if it wasn’t for the fact that for those 36 minutes, I realized that I never stopped caring about you to begin with.

For those 36 minutes, I wondered how you were. If you were still mad at me. If you hated me. I wondered what you ate that day, probably chicken wings. Or spaghetti with meatballs. Or pizza. Pepperoni. You’d only get sushi if you were with me. Or on a date. For 36 minutes I only looked at you when I had to. Because I knew that all it would take is three seconds out of those 36 minutes of us making eye contact, for me to see … kisses in the club. Walks at the beach. Holding hands at the museum. Laughing at the park. For me to see what I saw before, what I wanted to see – the potential in YOU. The potential in US. Then another three seconds for me to see what you really were. And probably what you still are.

So the last five minutes of those 36 minutes I wondered if you were still running the streets. Acting 23 instead of 33. Playing with hearts then playing the victim when you lost. You lost me. You lost me. You lost me. 

And for so long I tried to find my way back to you, even when you covered up the trail. Even when there were other footsteps there. Even when I knew it would lead me somewhere I didn’t belong. Even when I could’ve chosen a better path. Even when I knew it could possibly lead me to you … and someone else. 

Thirty-six minutes is a long time to think of things that could’ve been, that will never be. But another second spent attempting to hate you would’ve been nothing but a waste of time. So instead, I’ll just convince myself that how you treated me is a reflection of yourself, and not a depiction of my worth. I’ll accept that just because two people care for each other, have a blast together, share the same interests, and have amazing sex – it does not mean they should be together. And I’ll tell myself that sooner than later, I will lose you. Any minute now.

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